A Joyful Stepfamily Life

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Or: What you focus on, you will get more of…

This is the 10th article in the series “Beliefs of successful people”. If you have not read the first nine entries yet, I invite you to do as well. These beliefs are not necessarily the truth; I only invite you to try them on, and see what happens if you act as if they were true. You don’t have to believe in them!

I am not sure how about you, but in my life I have certainly had moments that I found that everything was going wrong. Sometimes it started of with something small, like a flat tire or a burst hosepipe in the garden, and the sequence of disaster would just grow and grow.

My mother used to say, that bad things always come in three, and that probably makes that my bad things normally do appear in three at a time… and not more!

What I only learned recently, is the real truth behind those words “What you focus on, you’ll get more of”. We all know the phenomenon, that if we want to buy a certain brand car, we suddenly see lots of the same cars; or when we are pregnant, or wanting to become pregnant, we suddenly see pregnant women and people with small baby’s everywhere.

The real truth behind it, however, goes far deeper than this.

I listened to a tele-seminar Bob Doyle (of wealthbeyondreason.com) conducted with Brad Yates, a well known EFT practitioner. I you have not heard of EFT yet, please go and check out the emofree.com website. It is a very powerful technique. Bob Doyle explained the Law of Attraction (because that is what it is; “What you focus on you will get more of”!; in a very simple way. The Universe does not try to figure out what we want, the Universe just delivers. And more often than not, we don’t even know what we “order”.

Some basics: Our mind does not recognize a “no” or “not”. If I think about the fact that I do NOT want to become ill, the mental image in my mind is an image of somebody (or me) being ill, whatever that means for me. So the Universe delivers illness, without hesitation.

If I decide that I have had enough of not coming by with my money, the picture in my mind is of a financial gap at the end of the month. Conclusion: The Universe delivers the financial gap I visualized.

In our relationships this is probably even more true. If we want to stop fighting, we create a mental image of fighting, and we literally ask for more. If we want to get across to our husband that we need more love and attention, we have a mental image of us on our own, and doing way too much for him, and what we attract is exactly that.

The first step to get out of this pattern, is to become AWARE of out thoughts. Just stop from time to time, and observe our own mind thinking and talking to ourselves. The only difference between sane and insane, is that we talk to ourselves without opening our mouth

So, just catch yourself from time to time, and observe what you think. Don’t judge yourself, everything you think is fine, just be aware of what you shout to the Universe…

Step two is starting to control your thoughts. Whenever you think a thought, which will attract that what you do NOT want, just swap it for another thought. If you talk badly about yourself to yourself, just invent something positive. If you say nasty things about other people, just search for anything nice to say about them to yourself. If everything goes wrong, be your own best friend. If a friend complains to you, you will not tell him that he is right, that it is all rotten and bad, will you? So, start by being your own best friend.

Step three is easy, well, maybe not… Gratitude. The Universe, and for that matter, human beings, really lighten up when you show gratitude.

My better half told me that he still remembered the one time that his (now ex-) wife showed him that she was happy that he had come home early. He normally stayed at work quite long, to postpone the moment of having to go home, because she normally welcomed him with an ear full. After they had marriage counseling, she really tried for a while, and that one afternoon, that he actually turned up reasonably early, is still a lively memory.

She did not say “Great you’re early, pity you were late yesterday”, or “Hurumph, what do you want that you’re home so early”, or “Sheesh, you’re early today. So after all, it IS possible?”.

Nope.

She just said: “Great that you’re home already!”

And that made the difference. He was really motivated to come home early after that afternoon.

So, after step 3 Gratitude, there’s only one more step: Communicate it! Whether is be to the Universe, your spouse, your children, boss, neighbor, or who ever: Tell them you are happy and grateful.

Whenever you encounter that what until now you would have called a problem, you will now focus on the little things which are still going well, and your mind will start wondering about possible solutions and ways to make it even better. No hard work, your subconscious mind will do most of the work for you. So that you can think of the good things yet to come!

PS: What the photo has to do with this? Sometimes it helps to have a look from a different angle. Imagine that you have been dealt bad cards, and looking from a different angle they are actually VERY nice

PS: If you like this post, please make it available for more people, by stumbling it (the last icon in the row below). They will be grateful if you do

This is the 9th article in the Effects of Divorce Blog series “Beliefs of successful people”. If you have not read the first eight entries yet, I invite you to do so as well. These beliefs are not necessarily the truth; I only invite you to try them on, and see what happens if you act as if they were true. You don’t have to believe in them!

“People always take the best decision, based on what their perception of that moment”

Often, when you look back at a certain decision you made some time ago, you hardly understand why you did what you did, and not something else. Probably you have a couple of these decisions you made as an after effect of your divorce…

The fact that we wonder why we decided what we did, is because we mostly do not take into consideration, that at that moment in time, we did not know what we know now.

“If I would have known…” is a common phrase in such situations, and the reality is that we did not know. We can be really harsh with ourselves, but that won’t help us. Become a bit more forgiving towards yourself, become your own best friend. If a good friend has made a daft decision, we will not beat him up for that. We will console him, say that it was understandable, that things like that happen. Start treating yourself like your own best friend, because only in softness you will find ways to learn from the experience. If you manage to treat yourself as your best friend, many new possibilities will open up for you. If the effects of your divorce are still bothering you, just think how things would shift if you started to treat your ex as a good friend!

It is good to know, what the basic four key motivators, or hot buttons for us humans are:

1. Self preservation (safety, shelter, food, health)

2. Romance

3. Money

4. Recognition

That means that any decision we make, probably has to do with one of these key motivators. If we look back on a certain decision in the past, most probably also the decisions we took in the time of our divorce, we will recognize which one of the key motivators drove us to this decision. Based on the facts known to us in that moment of time, we took that decision. Obviously, now, some time later, we have learned other facts, we are in a different position regarding our key motivators, and if confronted with a similar situation, we most probably would take another decision.

Does that mean that the decision in the past was wrong? No, not at all. It was just a decision in the past, taken on the basis of our knowledge and situation back then.

Be you own best friend, be soft and forgiving towards yourself, and make sure that you learn from your past experiences.

The most stupid thing you could do, is taking the same decisions over and over again, just because they are known and they feel safe. And, the same applies to the idea of taking different decisions, just for the sake of being different. Each and every situation has its own factors, and we are smart and successful if we evaluate the whole situation every time, seen in the light of the actual circumstances.

Photo by Georgios Wollbrecht

This is the 8th article in the series “Beliefs of successful people” on the effects of divorce blog. If you have not read the first seven entries yet, I invite you to do so first. These beliefs are not necessarily the truth; I only invite you to try them on, and see what happens if you act as if they were true. You don’t have to believe in them! After we have suffered the effects of divorce, this is one very important step, so just go with me:

“There is always another option”

That sounds funny, doesn’t it? I will make it even stronger: “Each experience can be described in at least three total different ways”. And one step further: “The story is always worse than the reality”.

—-

A story I read in a book the other day (I can’t remember the name of the book, it was a hilarious novel):
“How do you mean, with a long haired girl in a restaurant?”

Judy had been shocked, devastated, sad, mad, and everything at the same time. One of her friends had phoned her, to tell her she had seen Judy’s husband sitting in an expensive restaurant with a woman with long hair.

Judy decided she was not going to say anything, she was just going to win her husband back. She went to the hairdresser’s to have a new hairstyle, she went to the beauty salon, she bought herself new clothes. Every night when her husband came home, she waited for him with a smile and a nice dinner ready, and every night she would dress a sexy night set.

Her husband gave her compliments, he noticed and was happy with the new Judy.

Judy thought she was slowly getting her way, and one night he invited her out for dinner.

When they were sat at the table of the restaurant, he looked her in the eyes, and said

“I’ve got to tell you something, darling”

Judy froze.

“My boss gave me a payraise. We have had great trouble in the company, and I offered to help. You noticed that I had a couple of nights that I had to work, and I managed to reach an agreement with all parties. Sometimes that even meant taking them out for dinner or for lunch, and one of the people involved was particularly difficult. She is a good-looking blonde lady, but, phew, what a character…”

Judy started to laugh. Her husband looked puzzled as tears streamed down her face. She shook in her chair, and when she managed to speak, he only could say “Oh, I love you so much…”
—————–

Anyway, back to our assumption. This little story makes clear that

1. The story is always worse than the reality

2. There is no such thing as “The Truth”

3. There are always more ways to describe a certain experience.

What stories in your life would change color if you would tell them from the other person’s perspective? Don’t be afraid to counter the effects of your divorce, if you still suffer from them (and who doesn’t?)