A Joyful Stepfamily Life

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“Why did she have to go?” My father-in-law looked distressed, tears were rolling down his cheeks.

My late mother-in-law had been very overweight. She fought her whole life against the extra pounds, following the most exotic diets, counting calories in grapes and melon. She died just 3 weeks after her 60th birthday of a heart failure. It was a beautiful death, but I am sure she would have liked to see her grandchildren grow. My father-in-law and she were planning to travel, they had an appartment on the coast, and they had a real great marriage. My father-in-law stayed behind, devastated, and now, almost 10 years later, even though he survived all the stages of grief of the loss of his beloved wife, he still has not found the happiness and balance he once had.

I often asked myself why it was that she would not be able to keep her weight within the healthy limits. After I did my NLP course, I started to understand that there must have been something which made her eat more than was healthy for her bosy posture and activity level.

Not so long ago, I found the answer.
Whenever we, the children, would come home, she would have lots of food and goodies, never mind the calories. Grapes, Salmon on toast, French cheese on warm rolls, Prawns in garlic sauce, sugar coated peanuts, cakes with the cream topped coffee, melon with ham and a glass of red wine, it just would not stop. It was her way to say “I love you”, it was her way to create that cosy atmosphere she so much loved.

If only she would have known how to have fun without food… She would have stopped worrying about the calories in her food, she would have stopped using the horrible sweetener for her coffee, and she would have still been here, having Christmas with her children and grandchildren, and travelling to all those places she wanted to see, together with her beloved husband.

If I then would have known what I know now… I sometimes feel frustrated, because I cannot put the clock back. I would have told her this:

“Imagine that you have your ideal weight… Make a picture, and feel how you would feel. You would feel great, energetic, strong, beautiful… You would wear those clothes you always wanted to wear but never could. The tight jeans, the leggings with the long jumpers, the high heeled strappy sandals… You would let your hair grow, and you would look and feel 20 years younger…

Now imagine the whole family at home. We are all sitting in the living room, and we are playing a game. Maybe Monopoly, or Scrabble, or maybe we are just all reading a book, or chatting about our lives and children. On the table there is a big jar of water with ice cubes and lemon slices, there are little plates with delicious treats, but we don’t think of food, because we are having so much fun.

Now imagine how you feel. You are thin, energetic, beautiful, you are having a good time… You are happy, healthy, and you feel very lucky with the life you have.”

How was that for a change, Mom? I am sure that if you would have realized that you can have fun without food, without overdoing it on the calories, you would have had an easy time getting thin and healthy. I wish I would have been able to tell you before it was too late, and I am sure that you don’t mind me telling your story to someone who needs it.

If you have lost someone, and it doesn’t matter if they went to the other side of reality, or that they are still here on this planet, we go through stages of grief. We will often think back, sometimes about the words we could not find, the hug we did not give, or the letter we did not write. One of the known effects of divorce is grief, and we often don’t allow ourselves to feel that. Trust me, it is important to feel it and then to let go.

We have to “let go and let God”, as I heard it so beautifully say the other day.

You can use many techniques to get in a balanced and sustainable way through your stages of grief. Energy work like the free basic skills of EFT will help, or The Healingcodes. I use them myself both, and I sense that the emotions don’t overwhelm me anymore. As soon as we feel we can think about the one we lost without getting overwhelmed by our emotions, we know that we are on our way to a balanced healthy and happy life again.