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This is the 9th article in the Effects of Divorce Blog series “Beliefs of successful people”. If you have not read the first eight entries yet, I invite you to do so as well. These beliefs are not necessarily the truth; I only invite you to try them on, and see what happens if you act as if they were true. You don’t have to believe in them!
“People always take the best decision, based on what their perception of that moment”
Often, when you look back at a certain decision you made some time ago, you hardly understand why you did what you did, and not something else. Probably you have a couple of these decisions you made as an after effect of your divorce…
The fact that we wonder why we decided what we did, is because we mostly do not take into consideration, that at that moment in time, we did not know what we know now.
“If I would have known…” is a common phrase in such situations, and the reality is that we did not know. We can be really harsh with ourselves, but that won’t help us. Become a bit more forgiving towards yourself, become your own best friend. If a good friend has made a daft decision, we will not beat him up for that. We will console him, say that it was understandable, that things like that happen. Start treating yourself like your own best friend, because only in softness you will find ways to learn from the experience. If you manage to treat yourself as your best friend, many new possibilities will open up for you. If the effects of your divorce are still bothering you, just think how things would shift if you started to treat your ex as a good friend!
It is good to know, what the basic four key motivators, or hot buttons for us humans are:
1. Self preservation (safety, shelter, food, health)
2. Romance
3. Money
4. Recognition
That means that any decision we make, probably has to do with one of these key motivators. If we look back on a certain decision in the past, most probably also the decisions we took in the time of our divorce, we will recognize which one of the key motivators drove us to this decision. Based on the facts known to us in that moment of time, we took that decision. Obviously, now, some time later, we have learned other facts, we are in a different position regarding our key motivators, and if confronted with a similar situation, we most probably would take another decision.
Does that mean that the decision in the past was wrong? No, not at all. It was just a decision in the past, taken on the basis of our knowledge and situation back then.
Be you own best friend, be soft and forgiving towards yourself, and make sure that you learn from your past experiences.
The most stupid thing you could do, is taking the same decisions over and over again, just because they are known and they feel safe. And, the same applies to the idea of taking different decisions, just for the sake of being different. Each and every situation has its own factors, and we are smart and successful if we evaluate the whole situation every time, seen in the light of the actual circumstances.
One Response to “Effects of Divorce: People always take the best decision, based on what their perception of that moment is.”
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February 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Great post. I am looking forward to reading the other eight. You make some interesting points including people’s tendency to stay with what is “safe” even if it isn’t the best choice possible. This probably accounts for a whole lot of people who are frightened to step out of their comfort zone.
This tendency is even more pronounced when people are divorcing. First, divorce is an emotionally fuelled process which is usually driven by money, property and children (not necessarily in this order). Second, because of the emotions involved in divorce, people are not at their best.
So given these conditions, having to make decisions that will have a bearing on one’s future is really hard. When people are bogged down by the emotions of divorce as well as a fear of letting go of what they are most comfortable with, getting them to think beyond what feels right today is a huge challenge. This is why so many say - “If only I coulda/woulda…”